More RANTS

What does it matter, even if you're spiraling to success and have great things ahead of you? What does it matter, if the people who matter the most to you don't see the hard-work, commitment and dedication that you give to everything you commit yourself to? Be it homework, extracurricular roles, projects, friendships, or even relationships, almost everything requires work. Even if things are handed to you on a silver platter, you still need to pick the fork and knife and cut into the meat. Nobody does that for you.

Sometimes people close to you can say stuff that can be quite difficult to absorb. Why? Because you want to see the people you love wholly appreciate the work and effort you give in to whatever you're passionate about. You want them to be proud of you, for everything you've done and everything you continue to do. You want them to be as happy for you as you are for yourself. And, if they're your support systems, then you sometimes need them to, more than you want them to.

I hope that I can be super-supportive to the people who're close to me. Incredibly few things that are as precious as people following their true passion. I only hope that I don't change this mindset years from now and that I can continue to want to follow my dreams and turn them into reality.

When you get down to becoming pragmatic, lots of things stop mattering. It won't matter that you that you have a different career path in mind, if time is of essence, you'll sometimes go for options that aren't even remotely attractive or close to what you'd initially planned. Also, while I'm calmly ranting out, I'm going to change the title of my blog because these posts are more of rants than actual writing, and might as well make the reader aware while I'm at it. Here's the thing, people can be shit and it's shit when you care about what they think. It'd be SO much more easier if we could all just switch off our emotions at times and not care about just people, in general. I guess with all things human, you got to accept every part of it, and that means being okay with caring a bit too much for people too.

PEace out.

Woes of a 21 year old

I've got a crazy amount of assignments due this week, 2 mid-term exams, one which is tomorrow, and quite a good amount of places I need to apply and follow-up with. That aside, as I edge closer to stress-crying, I need to word this out. Mostly, because words help me sort my thoughts out and this is my word haven for the task.

Earlier this year, I visited my university's main campus, and that is when I had my first encounter with a deaf person. It was a reality shock for me, because as much as I would like to think of myself as a well-informed individual on important issues like gender discrimination, racial discrimination, religious bias, and the stereotypes that engulf our society, I cannot believe I had not thought about the Deaf community- the problems they face, the technology that still needs to be worked on to make resources more accessible to them, and most importantly, making people and our own communities more deaf-friendly. That was when I decided to start an initiative to make our campus more deaf-friendly, and I actively started learning American Sign Language (ASL). A deaf friend of mine took a lead on this and I helped out to teach ASL to anybody who wanted to attend weekly classes that we were offering on campus. We got an amazing outpour of great feedback and support from our campus community. My reason for writing this blog post is not to post about the initiatives I've been working on, but, because I think my mind is edging to a moral dilemma right now.

Do we do tasks like these because we truly want to help make a positive change or do we also love the attention that these tasks bring along? Yes, it's noble to think of the former, but, how realistic is the latter? If we did truly feel that the reasoning was to have a positive impact, then why post about it on social media? More importantly, why does it matter to me that someone is getting a lot of attention for posting a video about it? Is it because I started the initiative and it's something I'm incredibly proud of? Does that make me hypocritical because if other people are posting about this, they are in a way garnering people's attention towards sign language, which means the initiative was successful?

The fact that I've even written down the questions above is annoying me because this is such a petty thing, and I'm actually taking time out to type it all up when I have so many more important things that I could be working on. It's frustrating, to say the least, to be rational and stress-induced emotional at the same time. It's not helping me finish my exam-prep, it's not helping me decide if I want to order food at 2 AM, and it's definitely not helping me calm down. Hunger does NOT bode well with me, and when I'm hungry, I'm the last person you'd want to be around. That being said, I'm going to return to my ingenious plan to conquer my task-list. It's the least I can do and I owe it to myself to excel at these brilliantly time-consuming plans that I made during the start of the semester.

Here's to ranting, wording out silly things, and then feeling better about it.

Cheers.

Not notably famous

We've stopped speaking up,
because nobody listens
How many need to die
                                before things change?

The death of one causes
media uproar for 5 days,
 and then we all forget

and

the silence returns

The deaths of the unheard
            cause no frenzy
you see, friend, they were not
                                               notably famous,
                                               or connected,
to have been worth
changing profile pictures for.

Writing

I'm not a rejected piece;

I'm a writer's hope.

I'm not a forgotten rhyme,

I'm a writer's soul.

I'm not a sorrowful anthem,

I'm a writer's heart.

I'm not just words you read,

I'm a writer's vulnerable imagination.

Give me some credit,

because I can move people,

I can awaken their souls.

I can do what actions alone cannot,

and I can make nations,

and destroy a few;

I can make leaders

just as fast as I can destroy them.

I am the bare soul,

raw in feeling,

pure in possession

and 

you will know

how ever-lasting my legacy is

once I come into existence,

if you but lay eyes on me.

        Every year you're supposed to become smarter than before and I guess that's when you realize how stupid or obliviously silly you were the year before. I suppose that's also the time where you shake your head in disapproval over the bad decisions you took that led to greater mistakes and just plain regret. You would regret such a decision either because it hurt you or because it stirred up trouble or maybe even both. Hurt doesn't necessarily mean your own feelings, they could be someone else's feelings that you hurt over time or your own that got hurt in the process. But sometimes, while regretting the long list of bad decisions and actions we were responsible for, we forget that it's the bad experiences that truly teach us and make us realize where our faults really lie and it is these very bad experiences that become the gradual steps to caution thereafter.
      In the course of my teenage years, I've been hurt many times and I've probably hurt a number of people too. But now that I look back and reminiscence memories, I'm actually surprised as to how I could have done the mistakes I did; it annoys me to the point where I literally want to shake myself and shake some sense into "younger-me". Yet, on the other hand, without the consequences, I probably wouldn't have realized the impact of those actions either.
      I guess 'pain just demands to be felt'. I don't find quoting TFIOS cheesy because it's one of my favorite books and it has been on the top of my list since the time when I first read it a couple of years back. You need to experience the fall first hand to actually understand the impact of the ground and no matter how well the other person explains the feeling, you won't really get it until you experience it too. Which is why it's easier to write about something you've already gone through as opposed to trying to imagine what going through that same thing would feel like. Also, everyone's take on things is different. What may be a very difficult decision for someone else to make may not quite be as tough for me. Similarly, an incident that might take a life time for me to get over might actually take a few months for another person to get over. It all falls down to personalities and how people deal with different matters for the most part. Not to forget, it also depends on the sensitivity and attachment of the matter. Some people are just more sentimental than other people about some things. And, some unlike myself, just find it easier to become emotionally detached and take everything lightly.
      I'm not going to lie, I've envied people who can shut off feelings and still be normal, and those who can deal easily with turmoil and loss. I'm ambivalent in this matter though, because, although I envy such people, I also feel a sense of pride at being able to feel so strongly, and to be able to express that through words. Our ability to feel, at the end of the day, is what ultimately makes us human. It then is not a weakness to be ashamed of, but a strength to take pride in, and that can be molded into helping overcome the different hurdles one will encounter later in life.

           The problem with being 19 years old is that you're nearing the end of your teenage years and you'll soon have entered the world of young adults. Any mistakes you make will no longer be let go of because you will no longer be passed off as a child or a young teen. You will be held accountable for every action you take, and that, believe me, is one of the toughest hurdles you will experience as you transition into an age-old world full of misery and reality.
          I don't quite know how to portray this correctly, but it's not always dark and gloomy yet at the same time it's not always bright and cheerful either. I have started to take every day as it comes, because every day will bring its own taste of turmoil and legacy and the funny thing is, you won't know until years later as to which day will be recounted with sadness and which will be recounted with joy. Sometimes, I wonder though, would a monotonously content life be a reason for bliss or would it be a reason for dissatisfaction because there's nothing exciting or new to look forward to? I suppose like most other questions that often arise in my mind, only time will unravel the answers to the mysteries that we so abruptly create in our minds.

I have no idea what title will fit here.

Life is not supposed to make sense. There is a reason you meet everyone in your life. The reason might just be the most insignificant reason in the world, but it still is at the end of the day, a reason. And that is what makes it all the more special, because, you don't always know the reason and sometimes it is not until years and years later that you can recognize and distinguish between being the reason for something and being the factor leading to the reason. I'm probably doing a bad job at explaining this right now, but let's make it simple:

C = the reason

A ---> C

You could be the A or C in someone's life and likewise, they could be the A or C in your life too.
Okay I attempted to make it easier, I can't do better than that now and I don't even want to because I'm too busy crying over One Day. How can Emma just die? HOW CAN SHE JUST FREAKING DIE LIKE THAT? And how can he even deal with the pain? Doesn't he wish he had never met her because then he wouldn't have to face the pain of her loss? All throughout, she was in love with him and he just wasted that time, and then she had moved on and he finally figured out his own feelings, and then when they finally FINALLY both got that they were meant to be with each other, they had so little time together? It's unfair. Life is unfair. But whatever, it's just a movie isn't it? I don't know how Anne Hathaway dealt with the emotional trauma after bringing the character to life. If it was me, I would still be bawling my eyes out, with failed attempts at pretending nothing ever happened. I think I've written enough now so I should probably start Sabriel or Druids of Shannara or something to keep my mind off whatever I just saw.

Word of advice, watch One Day, it's a beautiful, if not a hauntingly beautiful piece of work.

       I don't know why there is so much negativity everywhere. I fail to understand why people carry this negative vibe (mind you not everyone), and for the most part it's just disappointing. Disappointing because there is just so much to be thankful for and just so much that each of us have been blessed with and there is just so much that we don't realize. Each  one of us has different struggles and is going through different hardships which is exactly why saying that the other person has it so much easier is a pointless thing. You don't know what the other person has gone through to reach where he or she is at this point in life. We're all so different and yet still so similar, but I guess that's how people are. I don't know how it's relevant to what I just wrote before but one day we'll be old and won't even remember how much everything that matters to us now did. I doubt if I'll remember how looking perfect for a speech mattered so much or how color-coordinating my whole outfit while going out meant so much at the time. But, I'd like to, because I want to remember how everything had it's own spark and I want to remember the beauty of each stage of life- no matter how silly or stupid, but I want to remember all of it; which is probably one of the reasons why I write, because I want to remember everything that matters or has ever mattered to me. These memories make me who I am today and being able to look back at them only reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for.
     

Emotions

      
     It is indeed a rare commodity when I write something just for the sheer happiness of it all; it is an even rarer moment when I actually feel happy enough to write down what goes on in my head during that time. The best part of today is that this is one of those rare times. Normally, even if I am happy, I just like to stay in my shell and keep the feelings blissfully calm for as long as I can; I want to preserve the good memories in a peculiar fashion and so I refrain from writing because a silly fear takes over me; the fear of good memories and happiness being taken away, which was a worry that would unconsciously do the very thing I was afraid of- it would eventually ruin my day and alas, it would be back to usual.
     Anyway, that is not what I want to elaborate on. What I do want to elaborate on is that I am happy and well to a random onlooker, it would be a strange sight to find a person happy because he or she is aware that he or she is happy. So why would an emotion have the capability of a person actually resuming writing again? That too after ages of motivating oneself to write but never actually indulging in the task? Well, the answer is in the question itself. Emotions, are what essentially make us human. The power to feel, whatever the feeling is, be it happy or sad or angry or just passionate- just the mere ability to be able to feel and empathize with how others feel is a beauty itself. It is what makes us humans unique and it is ultimately what makes us realize the beauty in just anything and everything. So I'll try and not babble too extensively, but my point is, a person who thinks only strategically will only believe in logic. I believe every person has the capability to feel, with the exception of Adolf Hitler, but let's just skip him altogether for now. When we get encompassed by our emotions, we sometimes lose the ability to think logically, but if we can maintain a certain balance between both, we somehow become one step closer to being ideal humans.
     I'm not going to preach my definitions of ideal humans to anyone, but I will try and give you a better view on how I see things. A person with compassion and intelligence is an ideal human being in my dictionary. I'm not talking about what the person does in his daily life or what type of personality he or she has, I just mean that if a person can think clearly without letting emotions cloud judgement and if a person can somehow still manage to let emotions direct decisions to an extent, it is a formidable quality. Being an intensely emotional person, I am awed by people who can think clearly even when they're going through trying times or circumstances.
     For me, the world is either black or white; I have a very "it's either this or not at all" sort of view on things, and although I try to improve myself in this matter, it is a difficult task. Nevertheless, it is an extremely wrong view because that's basically saying the glass won't bend but it will break if you try to shape it. In other words, it's too much of a perfectionist's take on things, and that my dear readers, is never the best way to deal with things. When a person starts to expect too much or even a little, he or she gives way to heartache. Heartache is actually too strong a word, I think I'll just go with hurt instead. Along with expectation comes a chance of getting hurt; the greater the expectations are, the more the chances of getting hurt increase; and feeling hurt is never a good emotion, for anyone. Most of you probably know this and I too have learned this the hard way, but I guess we humans never really learn do we? But then, it's also our abilities to fall down that teach us how to get up and back on track. If we were perfect, we wouldn't really be humans now would we? Unless you're David Archuleta, in which case you shouldn't even be reading about imperfections. Oh and David, the arch-angels still haven't left you know. Just saying.
     Anyway, so back to expectations, which we shouldn't really have. Being a Muslim, it should be Allah we ultimately trust really and well I won't really preach my beliefs but it is the month of Ramadan so might as well just write about my true beliefs. From what I've read, if a prayer doesn't get answered, it's either because you'll get something better in exchange, or you'll get rewarded for it in the hereafter. But it is so incredibly hard to just wait around patiently when you're praying so persistently. I think the disappointment on our behalf when that happens is because we have such deeply ingrained expectations from everyone that we cannot accept that things might not always work the way we want to. Trying to accept that things work out for the best can be a difficult concept to grasp, especially if you're intent on trying to make things work out your way. But, give it a rest; Allah has a better plan for you, far better than what you, me, or anyone else could plan and it's a plan that includes everything that's for your own good. Not just your own good, more of what's best for you really; and, although it can be a trying measure of our wills, it is nevertheless true.
    So back to happiness. A person who goes through ugly emotions often appreciates good emotions the most because that person knows the true value of being able to just be happy regardless of what anyone says or does. Some people don't appreciate the value of their happiness, but that's okay really. Everyone learns to sooner or later, and hey, whatever floats your boat, who am I judge.
    I try not to make my writing revolve around the same message but every time I write, I feel like a different person; every piece of my writing has a different aspect of my personality so once I get started, even I don't know which part of personality my entry will end in. The thing is, life's too short for regrets. By that I don't mean go all YOLO SWAGGIE LET'S DO DRUGS CAUSE WE ONLY LIVE ONCE sort of thing, I mean, that there are a few times where we have to make decisions that shape our lives; we should be the ones to make those decisions* because having to look back at a former crucial point in your life only to regret your action would be pretty disappointing. It's okay to let others influence you and it's okay to want to know what others think, and but at the end, it should really be yourself who you listen to; you shouldn't blame your decisions on someone else and harnessing bitter feelings over time sure isn't a nice way to go because bitterness only grows over time and eventually it completely takes over a person. I've seen so many people completely change because of the ugly emotions they harbored; they were never bad people to start with, but it was the bitterness and resentment they had towards other people that led to all the positive aspects in them being completely overshadowed by the bitterness they felt. That is why I've been stressing on emotions so much, because when you let go of ugly emotions, it's really yourself you're doing a favor for. Not me, not anyone else, not that friend-who-isn't-a-friend-anymore, and certainly not that guy/girl-I-hate-because-I-JUST-DO. When you're at peace with yourself, you'll start to enjoy the little things in life, and you'll begin to appreciate the blessings God has gifted you with. You'll begin to see the beauty in things you never did before and you might just surprise yourself and how happy you'll feel. A particular blissful feeling will be feeling happy for others and sincerely being a part of their happiness, instead of sulking at others' succeeding in the rat race, you'll actually feel happy for the hurdles they've crossed; and, when you realize how everything seems to be working out for the better, that's when you realize, God's plan unraveling slowly, bit by bit, not quite the way you planned but certainly to the destination you were always destined for.

*Credits to SPN for the indirect quote by Sam's teacher.